Overview
Safety precautions, steps to take, and where to find help when ending an abusive relationship.
There is no place in the Armed Forces for domestic abuse. Yet, it can be very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Victims often feel very much alone. They may fear for their safety and their children's safety. Often, victims are financially dependent on their abuser and may have no independent means of support. If you are the victim of domestic abuse, you may have thought for months or years about leaving the relationship. Leaving is scary and it's hard to do alone. You will need the help and encouragement of friends,
relatives, fellow service members or military spouses, co-workers, and professionals you trust. With their support, you can build a life for yourself and your family that is healthy and safe.
Making a safety plan
The risk of danger is often increased when a victim is leaving an abusive relationship. The abuser may become more angry or threatening. A victim advocate on your installation will help you create a safety plan, leaving can sometimes be more dangerous than staying in the relationship. The most important step you can take during this time is to have a safety plan in place before you leave, so that you and your children are safe. The more help and support you have from others -- from a victim advocate, relatives, friends, police, support groups, shelters, other service members or military spouses, your employer, co-workers, and your health care provider -- the safer you will be.
Here are six safety steps to follow:
Plan ahead in case you need to leave on short notice. Keep car keys and public transportation fare in your purse so that you are able to leave quickly. Gather important documents like birth certificates, health insurance cards, Social Security cards, checkbook, bank records, important phone numbers and addresses, and your driver's license in one place, preferably somewhere away from where you live. If you don't have access to a credit card in your own name, save a secret fund of cash. If possible, keep a change of clothing for yourself and your children, other personal care items including medication for you and your children, and an extra set of car keys at a friend's or relative's house or at work.
Contact your Family Advocacy Program (FAP) to get information about reporting options and to find out more about what the program can do for you. You can use the locator described at the end of this article under "Other resources" to find a FAP associated with your service branch.
Talk to trusted friends and relatives about your situation. Establish a code word or signal so that family members, friends, neighbors, teachers, co-workers, or others know when to call for help. Tell people where you are going and when you plan to be back. Avoid being alone.
Go over safety plans with your children. Identify a safe place for them: a room with a lock or a neighbor's home where they can go. Teach your children how to call 911 if they need help. Teach them how to make a collect call. If possible, keep a cell phone for this purpose charged and in an easily accessible place. Some domestic abuse programs provide refurbished cell phones to domestic abuse victims for this purpose. Check with your victim advocate to see if the domestic abuse program in your area is able to provide you with a cell phone for this purpose.
Get a protective (restraining) order from court or a military protective order from your service member's unit commander to keep your spouse or partner from returning home, entering your place of work, or having contact with your children. A victim advocate can help you with this. It is important to remember that an order of protection will not prevent your spouse or partner from returning home or entering your workplace, but it does make it illegal for him or her to do so.
Use community resources. Here are resources that can help:
Go to the Family Advocacy office on your installation to request a victim advocate. A victim advocate can help you find a battered women's shelter or other safe place to go. If you prefer to remain anonymous, call the Family Advocacy office and, without identifying yourself, ask for a referral to a shelter or to speak with a victim advocate by phone.
Call a domestic abuse hotline in your area. The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free number at 1-800-799-SAFE can provide information about military and domestic violence resources in your area. Help is also available to callers in Spanish and to other non-English speakers. A restraining order can usually be extended to child care centers or providers. Review the safety of your child care arrangements. Domestic abuse hotlines can help you find a battered women's shelter or safe place to go. Try not to stay with family members or friends with whom your abuser is familiar. While the comfort of a friend or relative's residence may seem like a logical choice, your safety, as well as the safety of your friend or relative, is the most important thing. It's best to stay in a place that is unfamiliar to your abuser.
Make sure schools and child care providers know who has permission to pick up your children. Give them a copy of your restraining or protective order if one has been obtained.
Find a lawyer or a court advocate who specializes in domestic abuse. He or she can explore custody, visitation, and divorce provisions to protect you and your children. Your Legal Assistance Office can help you obtain legal information and guidance. To find the nearest Legal Assistance Office, visit the U.S. Armed Forces Legal Assistance Web site at http://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/FindInformation/Category/Topic/Issue/Material.aspx?MaterialID=12981&MaterialTypeID=9#. You can locate your nearest installation by using the Military HOMEFRONT Installation Locator at http://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/FindInformation/Category/Topic/Issue/Material.aspx?MaterialID=12981&MaterialTypeID=9#.
Enlist the support of your health care provider. If you go to a hospital or to see your doctor, for example, ask the doctor to document evidence of abuse and to keep any evidence of abuse in your file, such as photos of bruises and injuries.
Join a support group for victims of domestic abuse. You will gain strength and support from others.
Safety precautions at home
The risk of danger may be greater after leaving an abusive relationship. It is very important to take steps to increase safety in your home once the abuser has left the premises.
Avoid staying alone.
Change the locks on doors and windows as soon as possible.
Install a security system if you can afford one. Install additional locks, window bars, and poles or bars to wedge against doors.
Install outside lights that light up when a person is coming close to the home.
Teach your children how to call the police or relatives or friends for help.
Vary your routines. Use different stores and different routes to and from school, work, and friends' homes.
Do not meet or call the abuser under any circumstances.
Park your car in the driveway facing out so that you do not have to back out if you have to leave quickly. Keep an extra set of keys in the car.
Safety precautions at work
Here are safety precautions to take if you work at a job away from the installation:
If you are married to a service member and work away from the installation, contact your manager or human resources representative to find out what resources and support are available to you through work.
Include the workplace on your protective (restraining) order. Let security know that you have taken out a restraining order and make sure that it is current and on hand at all times. A copy of your restraining order should be provided to the police, your supervisor at work, security, your human resources representative, receptionist, and the legal department.
If your company does not have a security department, let the people you work with know that you have taken out a restraining order.
Provide a picture of the abuser to receptionists and/or security.
Take safety precautions going to and from work. Arrange to park close to the entrance of your building. Try not to park in the same place every day. Ask security to escort you to and from your car or public transportation.
Save any threatening e-mails or telephone messages at work. You can use these to take legal action in the future, if you choose to.
Have your calls screened. Transfer harassing calls to security, or remove your name and number from automated phone directories. Change your extension at work if you are getting harassing phone calls.
Talk with your supervisor about relocating your workspace to a secure area, if possible.
Identify an emergency contact person should your supervisor be unable to contact you.
Look into alternate hours or work locations. If possible, vary your work hours.
Vary the routes you travel to and from work.
Where to find help
Here are important phone numbers to have on hand:
911 or the number of your local police.
The Family Advocacy office. You may find this phone number by calling the base operator, Family Support Center, or a Military One Source consultant.
Your Military One Source consultant. You can find this phone number on your Military One Source Web site.
A list of safe people to contact -- friends, relatives, neighbors, fellow service members, or co-workers.
National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-787-3224 (TDD). Help is available 24 hours a day. The hotline can help you find a shelter, housing, counseling, support groups, job training, and legal assistance in your area. They also provide local resources for abusers. The Web site address is
Safety precautions, steps to take, and where to find help when ending an abusive relationship.
There is no place in the Armed Forces for domestic abuse. Yet, it can be very difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Victims often feel very much alone. They may fear for their safety and their children's safety. Often, victims are financially dependent on their abuser and may have no independent means of support. If you are the victim of domestic abuse, you may have thought for months or years about leaving the relationship. Leaving is scary and it's hard to do alone. You will need the help and encouragement of friends,
relatives, fellow service members or military spouses, co-workers, and professionals you trust. With their support, you can build a life for yourself and your family that is healthy and safe.
Making a safety plan
The risk of danger is often increased when a victim is leaving an abusive relationship. The abuser may become more angry or threatening. A victim advocate on your installation will help you create a safety plan, leaving can sometimes be more dangerous than staying in the relationship. The most important step you can take during this time is to have a safety plan in place before you leave, so that you and your children are safe. The more help and support you have from others -- from a victim advocate, relatives, friends, police, support groups, shelters, other service members or military spouses, your employer, co-workers, and your health care provider -- the safer you will be.
Here are six safety steps to follow:
Plan ahead in case you need to leave on short notice. Keep car keys and public transportation fare in your purse so that you are able to leave quickly. Gather important documents like birth certificates, health insurance cards, Social Security cards, checkbook, bank records, important phone numbers and addresses, and your driver's license in one place, preferably somewhere away from where you live. If you don't have access to a credit card in your own name, save a secret fund of cash. If possible, keep a change of clothing for yourself and your children, other personal care items including medication for you and your children, and an extra set of car keys at a friend's or relative's house or at work.
Contact your Family Advocacy Program (FAP) to get information about reporting options and to find out more about what the program can do for you. You can use the locator described at the end of this article under "Other resources" to find a FAP associated with your service branch.
Talk to trusted friends and relatives about your situation. Establish a code word or signal so that family members, friends, neighbors, teachers, co-workers, or others know when to call for help. Tell people where you are going and when you plan to be back. Avoid being alone.
Go over safety plans with your children. Identify a safe place for them: a room with a lock or a neighbor's home where they can go. Teach your children how to call 911 if they need help. Teach them how to make a collect call. If possible, keep a cell phone for this purpose charged and in an easily accessible place. Some domestic abuse programs provide refurbished cell phones to domestic abuse victims for this purpose. Check with your victim advocate to see if the domestic abuse program in your area is able to provide you with a cell phone for this purpose.
Get a protective (restraining) order from court or a military protective order from your service member's unit commander to keep your spouse or partner from returning home, entering your place of work, or having contact with your children. A victim advocate can help you with this. It is important to remember that an order of protection will not prevent your spouse or partner from returning home or entering your workplace, but it does make it illegal for him or her to do so.
Use community resources. Here are resources that can help:
Go to the Family Advocacy office on your installation to request a victim advocate. A victim advocate can help you find a battered women's shelter or other safe place to go. If you prefer to remain anonymous, call the Family Advocacy office and, without identifying yourself, ask for a referral to a shelter or to speak with a victim advocate by phone.
Call a domestic abuse hotline in your area. The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free number at 1-800-799-SAFE can provide information about military and domestic violence resources in your area. Help is also available to callers in Spanish and to other non-English speakers. A restraining order can usually be extended to child care centers or providers. Review the safety of your child care arrangements. Domestic abuse hotlines can help you find a battered women's shelter or safe place to go. Try not to stay with family members or friends with whom your abuser is familiar. While the comfort of a friend or relative's residence may seem like a logical choice, your safety, as well as the safety of your friend or relative, is the most important thing. It's best to stay in a place that is unfamiliar to your abuser.
Make sure schools and child care providers know who has permission to pick up your children. Give them a copy of your restraining or protective order if one has been obtained.
Find a lawyer or a court advocate who specializes in domestic abuse. He or she can explore custody, visitation, and divorce provisions to protect you and your children. Your Legal Assistance Office can help you obtain legal information and guidance. To find the nearest Legal Assistance Office, visit the U.S. Armed Forces Legal Assistance Web site at http://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/FindInformation/Category/Topic/Issue/Material.aspx?MaterialID=12981&MaterialTypeID=9#. You can locate your nearest installation by using the Military HOMEFRONT Installation Locator at http://www.militaryonesource.com/MOS/FindInformation/Category/Topic/Issue/Material.aspx?MaterialID=12981&MaterialTypeID=9#.
Enlist the support of your health care provider. If you go to a hospital or to see your doctor, for example, ask the doctor to document evidence of abuse and to keep any evidence of abuse in your file, such as photos of bruises and injuries.
Join a support group for victims of domestic abuse. You will gain strength and support from others.
Safety precautions at home
The risk of danger may be greater after leaving an abusive relationship. It is very important to take steps to increase safety in your home once the abuser has left the premises.
Avoid staying alone.
Change the locks on doors and windows as soon as possible.
Install a security system if you can afford one. Install additional locks, window bars, and poles or bars to wedge against doors.
Install outside lights that light up when a person is coming close to the home.
Teach your children how to call the police or relatives or friends for help.
Vary your routines. Use different stores and different routes to and from school, work, and friends' homes.
Do not meet or call the abuser under any circumstances.
Park your car in the driveway facing out so that you do not have to back out if you have to leave quickly. Keep an extra set of keys in the car.
Safety precautions at work
Here are safety precautions to take if you work at a job away from the installation:
If you are married to a service member and work away from the installation, contact your manager or human resources representative to find out what resources and support are available to you through work.
Include the workplace on your protective (restraining) order. Let security know that you have taken out a restraining order and make sure that it is current and on hand at all times. A copy of your restraining order should be provided to the police, your supervisor at work, security, your human resources representative, receptionist, and the legal department.
If your company does not have a security department, let the people you work with know that you have taken out a restraining order.
Provide a picture of the abuser to receptionists and/or security.
Take safety precautions going to and from work. Arrange to park close to the entrance of your building. Try not to park in the same place every day. Ask security to escort you to and from your car or public transportation.
Save any threatening e-mails or telephone messages at work. You can use these to take legal action in the future, if you choose to.
Have your calls screened. Transfer harassing calls to security, or remove your name and number from automated phone directories. Change your extension at work if you are getting harassing phone calls.
Talk with your supervisor about relocating your workspace to a secure area, if possible.
Identify an emergency contact person should your supervisor be unable to contact you.
Look into alternate hours or work locations. If possible, vary your work hours.
Vary the routes you travel to and from work.
Where to find help
Here are important phone numbers to have on hand:
911 or the number of your local police.
The Family Advocacy office. You may find this phone number by calling the base operator, Family Support Center, or a Military One Source consultant.
Your Military One Source consultant. You can find this phone number on your Military One Source Web site.
A list of safe people to contact -- friends, relatives, neighbors, fellow service members, or co-workers.
National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE or 1-800-787-3224 (TDD). Help is available 24 hours a day. The hotline can help you find a shelter, housing, counseling, support groups, job training, and legal assistance in your area. They also provide local resources for abusers. The Web site address is
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